Bear Fruit

It’s hard to put into words what I feel like has been a necessary yet difficult journey, but I hear the Holy Spirit whisper, “the fruit.”

I have been within a debate with myself about my last several years, my last several churches, my current spiritual state. When I replay what I felt like were mistakes, when I replay what I feel like I could’ve avoided, when I replay what I wish I would’ve seen earlier, I hear “the fruit.”

Church has helped me tremendously throughout my life. Church has also caused some pain. Some pain self-inflicted, some direct and indirect.

I had been on the edge of wanting to let church participation go, knowing that my soul did not agree. I have had questions that I felt like no one could answer. I have had my feelings invalidated. I have also been championed to flourish. I have cultivated my gifts. Learned from past mistakes. Found who Jesus really is. All within church.

I could get into details and go on for days. I could attempt to justify my actions whether right or wrong. That is not what I want to do. That is not what I want to draw attention to. What I want to focus in on is the fruit. When I reacted in a way that was unhealthy to unhealthy circumstances I suffered. The fruit was bitter. It was bitten and swallowed out of need to eat though I wished for something sweeter. I was fed a lesson that I needed though difficult. The bitter fruit led to bitter losses.

When I attempted to do things differently with church, the fruit was still bitter from the last experience though my heart was not. Another tough lesson. This time that bitter fruit made me bitter.

On my journey to explore what church was, who Jesus was, and community felt like, I came upon a place where I learned the condition of my heart. I learned to find myself and not the fit the mold. I learned to seek God, I learned to love Jesus. I learned that there is more. The fruit here was sweet. It was plentiful. It grew to multiplication. My heart knew there was more, the Holy Spirit knew more than it did. Without this church, I wouldn’t be free from the bitterness inside of me. I wouldn’t be free from the bondage of where I grew up. Things were not perfect and they did not end how I expected, but I had to be there. I had to meet the people I met and to go through the process there!

When I was at a crossroad with church. When I asked the Lord what do I do? Where do I go? He instructed me to surrender this. “This” was the platform. That was what was on my mind, I was saddened more than anything to lose it and the family I found. Though it was unspoken I knew it. I knew what I desired and the very thing I was attempting to cling to was the thing I had to let go. And I did. I walked away with the longing to make my Heart a Home for Jesus. It was at the point of surrender that I discovered my troublesome focus. At that low place, I also found companionship and vulnerability. I found Shepards. Or maybe they found me…

I mentioned before, the fruit was plentiful. Even in the unknown of letting go of what I knew, of falling from the mountain peak, in the valley, I began to dig more holes to plant more seeds.

Multiplication.

From a place where I felt that I had nothing left, a place that obviously would have grown to giving myself credit for something that only God could orchestrate, I grew.

If it not for my first experience that led to the next, and then to another, I wouldn’t be here today.

If I never left when I was supposed to, would I be in the place I stand today?

My heart desired to find something healthy. My mind desired to find someone to listen and to care. My body desired to feel equal no matter the differences in color, style, or status.

I have been embarrassed because I allowed myself or others to make me feel like I am inconsistent. When all I wanted to find was consistency. Am I wrong to pursue Jesus and pursue Him in a atmosphere of freedom?

I saw all this to say, that there has been fruit on every step of my journey. Whether the fruit was bitter or sweet, it produced. It came to be. The people that I know that I wouldn’t know if I hadn’t stepped out to pursue freedom in the first place is fruit. The freedom that I have now that I desired years ago is fruit. The pain that I endured, the cultivating of my heart, the exploration of my Voice, the typing of my words are all fruit of my journey and it is plentiful. And it will multiply. A year ago I thought there was an end, today I feel a new beginning. I feel a stirring, I feel multiplication.

Your hunger for more, when in sync with the Holy Spirit, is not error. Your desire to be heard and understood, when in sync with the Holy Spirit, is not selfish. Your desire to be loved and appreciated as your black or brown self, (whether wearing dread locks or a fade, a suit or a hoodie, listening to hip hop or smooth jazz,) with no hesitation is not too much to ask. To Be you, love Jesus, and be healthy – in Church is not too much to ask. Find healthy community. Don’t stop because the last one didn’t work out. Don’t stop because you’re tired. Seek Jesus to know Him. Listen to the Holy Spirit.

Bear fruit.